Well, for a start, yesterday saw the purchase of a N64 and pokemon stadium, a game I had wanted for ten years. I haven't yet had a go on it, I wanted to be able to enjoy playing and exploring it without zoe demanding her turn from the minute i start playing. So zoe and Malcolm played it (ha! i have got malcolm into pokemon hahaha) last night and i - what did i do? oh, i can't remember.
Anyway, today we went to the Ravensknowle Gala, which was really quite fun, we pushed Evie in the pushchair and I got two things that I loved - firstly I got two henna tattoos on my wrists, one saying EVIE and one and swirl handprint which I love; I wanted to get some Henna tattoos at Download but didn't see the stall until the last day when I had run out of money, lol, I have wanted them since then.
The second thing I got, which I lurrrrrve, is a giant inflatable pink ball (no jokes please) with polystyrene beans in that stick to the inside walls and look really groovy and give me endless entertainment. I saw people walking past with them but didn't know where they got them from... so I went on a mission, followed the trail of people with pink balls (again, no jokes please), and found the stall. I asked the guy to blow it up for me, which he did, and then went to automatically hand it to the child in the pushchair (Evie) before realising how small and new she was, then he paused, looked at me and said, "It's for you, isn't it?!" and I said, "Hell yeah, gimme!!!" LOL
It was a fun day. Evie got two soft toys, a piglet and a yellow hippo and a couple of gorgeous dresses from her grandma (as well as some soft shoes which go perfect with her (gift) pink dress and delicate cardigan which we are going to dress her in when we go to Julie's wedding in a couple of weeks.)
Hope you are all well
Love
Elf xxx

wow. michael jackson isn't supposed to die - it's michael jackson, he's invincible. That's utter madness.
RIP MICHAEL JACKSON

Elf

xxx

I just missed my mouth and tipped my cup of tea down my dress. Oh, lovely. Why is eating and drinking being such a pain in the neck today???
elf xxx

Grrr, I've come to the conclusion that if I want to survive this world in the most pain-free kind of way, I shall exist on just water and cups of tea. I refuse to eat. Grrrr. One spoonful of custard has given me tummy cramps. Grrrrrr @ the cramps. Grrrr @ the custard. Grrr @ the rest of my meal which is sat forlornly getting cold in the oven. Gr Gr Grr.
elf xxx

So then, folks and folklets, it so happens that for the next four or six weeks I am in sole charge of the house I share ownership of. And it so happens that, despite a non-existant budget, I have permission to do whatever the bloody hell I like with it. So for the first time since the flatlet (also when I had permission to do whatever I liked with it, being that I couldn't have made it worse!) Monica is going to get unleashed. Oh yes. She makes random occasional bids for freedom, snapping and snarling at the leash, wielding her weapon of choice (a tape measure) but I usually manage to rein her in (not without some damage though, sometimes a room will be a different colour or a cupboard stands half-built in the corner).
BUT NOW.
It's her time to come out and wreak havoc.
God knows what the house will look like when she's finished, even I don't know, and I created her.
Elf xxx

The little horse is newlY

the little horse is newlY

Born)he knows nothing, and feels
everything;all around whom is

perfectly a strange
ness(Of sun

light and of fragrance and of

singing)is ev
erywhere(a welcom
ing dream:is amazing)
a world.and in

this world lies:smoothbeautifuL
ly folded;a(brea
thing a gro

Wing)silence,who;
is:somE

oNe.


This is for Evie because the poem is about feeling and experiencing without any meaning attatched to any of it; which is what will be happenning to her. But I also like the last few lines: a breathing a growing silence who is some one. Meaning (i think) that in the middle of all this unkown experience is a growing knowledge, the first solid thing that becomes meaning: you exist. You are someone. That is the first thing you know.
I just like it, I think it's beautiful, I always have done. I wish we had studied his poems in school.
Elf xxx

Don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces and I miss her when she's not near me, but it's still glorious to have a morning, day, afternoon or night all to yourself again. Going to the toilet by yourself is wonderful. Not having to negotiate a very-stubbornly-unwilling-to-go-to-sleep baby when you're trying to have a bath is really very nice. Just getting on with the ironing without stopping for nappy changes and half-hour feeds makes it go so much quicker. And falling asleep whenever my head touches solid ground is pretty good too :-) So is being able to get up, dressed, and out of the house during the morning. Morning!! I don't think I've seen morning in weeks!
Lol
Basically, Evie is spending the morning and maybe some of the afternoon too with my mum and sister, who are showing her off at the childminding place. She's just gone, and the house is ever so quiet. But it's in a nice, peaceful kind of way. I had fun dressing her this morning; she's wearing a green t-shirt, cream dungarees with embroidered caterpillars on, the blue/green/yellow knitted coat that mum knitted her and her little dinky socks. She looks lovely, and I propped her up on the settee between a green furry cushion and a pink silky cushion and took some pictures of her.
I'll put them on here when I get them developed.
It was nice walking down the road with her yesterday, we walked down the hill to the new sainsburys that has just opened at the Salendine Nook shopping centre and bought some washing up liquid and coke. The coke was for a burnt pan, you boil it up and it unsticks all the burnt stuff. Great little trick. I didn't need the changing bag with me, so I just stuck her in the sling and set off strolling. Really quite nice.
I'm meeting Malcolm at his work tonight and I'm hoping that the buggy that I've got back from mums fits her. I'm looking forwards to having a good walk into town.
Next week as well, Evie is getting looked after overnight again, this time by my cousin Melanie. We're going to watch Jay's band (Your new antique, they're good, find them on YouTube) and it made more sense to get an overnight babysitter rather than a late night one, then we get a bit more of a rest and Evie is undisturbed. Plus I know Mel will love it! :-)
I'm a little bored at the moment, that's why I'm just chatting pointless chatter. I'm waiting to get through to the doctors so I can arrange my 6-week postnatal. I've been trying for over an hour.
Love,
Elf xxx

Ok, so it's not that much of a challenge, but that's what I'm going for. That's for food, shopping, travel and entertainment.
To be honest, I don't think it'll be very hard. I'm going to the market on Monday so I'll get my weeks' worth of fruit and veg there, that won't be more than a fiver, in fact, it'll probably be a lot less. Isn't it great when a weeks' worth of vegetables and fruit only costs a couple of pounds?
Foodwise (at least, the basic stuff) it'll be a loaf of cheap bread for toast, some cheap margerine, soups and noodles.
I'm more than perfectly happy to drink tapwater.
Shoppingwise, there's nothing i want to go shopping for, but if i did, that's where freecycle and car boot sales come in handy.
Travel, well, i'm planning on getting the pushchair back from mums and hoping Evie will fit it better so that we can go strolling. Costs nothing.
Entertainment... well, i'm pretty cheap to entertain. I love reading, listening to the radio and gardening. I can visit the library, do the housework listening to the radio and garden in the...er... garden.
I have films to watch, people to write to, and a baby to contend with.
yep, i'm confident i can keep entertained quite happily.
Oooh, really looking forwards to this now! :-)
elf xxx

I've just read an article about someone who lived on a pound a day for a whole year and transformed her finances. This is after paying bills of course, the pound covers travel, food, shopping and entertainment.
She cycled everywhere, she scavenged food and lived for 'bargains' (my dad would be proud - wombles unite!) etc and although I don't nessecarily think she had to scavenge food from the big supermarket bins, I loved the idea. It's so utterly workable and possible. And it's true, it would transform your finances, wouldn't it?
I remember when I moved into this house - Malcolm joined me a week or two later - I bought the weeks' food for a fiver. I bought bread, instant soup, margerine, sandwich spreads, a bottle of squash and even a pack of disposeable razors. Not that I ate them, mind.
I'd love to do the same thing - that's a challenge I'd really love to get my hands on! Lol but I have a family to think about, if I live on a pound a day, they're going to have to, too, and I can't imagine they'd like it!
And with the likes of Freecycle, I can imagine it would be even easier.
I wonder... I wonder... I could do it myself for a week... just me...
Do you know what, I might!
Love... Elf xxx

Dylan Moran is doing a tour!

In sodding DUBLIN. :-(

I may have to start plotting an escape route. :-)

Good morning, good morning! I rang Rachel an hour ago and Evie has been fabulous all night, feeding every four hours and behaving herself. Whooo, go Evie!! I have slept like a log and feel much, much better for it and I'm going to get on with lotsa housework while I can (oh the excitement of what I do on my day off lol).

Gooooooooood times :-)

Elf xxx

For the first time in FIVE WEEKS I am going to be able to rest and maybe even sleep all night with no reason to get up in the morning. Rachel and Matthew have  got Evie overnight tonight to give us both a break, a rest and a chance to recover from our colds. It's amazing, I knew I loved her, but I never thought about the 'bond' before and I missed her so much even before we left Rachels house. I missed her so much as we were driving away. There seemed to be both a heavy weight and a gaping hole in the space between my chin and my breastbone where Evie's head would rest when I hold her or cuddle her.
It wasn't a sad kind of missing sensation, which is why it's so unlike anything i've felt before. I was still happy to be having a night off, but at the same time, I felt a very powerful longing to pick her up and keep her with me, next to me.
I'm going to bed in a minute, but before I do, hows this for coincidence? While shopping yesterday, browsing round a bookstore, I flicked through a baby name book to find Evie.
Evie came under 'Eve' and the definition was 'breath of life' which I thought was interesting, given that she's been resuscitated after her birth, but the even stranger thing was that further down it read, and I quote, 'The Greek version of Eve is Zoe'.
So not only does Malcolm have two girls, both of whom are Taureans, but they also both have the same name - just in different languages!
coincidence or what??
Love... elf x x x

mmm...soup. Nice hot soothing minestrone soup. Okay, I know it's supposed to be chicken soup when you have a cold, but we don't have any and anyway, minestrone soup is gorgeous. And this sort has pasta in it. Extra nourishing.
Nothing much affects my appetite besides grief, I have to be very, very ill to lose my appetite (or pregnant lol) so while this is Malcolms tea, it is just my starter and I am having lamb grills after this.
Evie is being borrowed quite a lot in the next few days. Tomorrow she is being looked after by my cousin Melanie while mum, dad, Rosie and I go to Wakefield for the day and then on Saturday night, my sister Rachel is having her overnight so that Malcolm and I can have a break and a good nights rest (if not sleep) especially since we're a bit ill (don't want to get run down and not be able to recover) and then on Tuesday, mum is borrowing Evie for the morning to show her off at something Lizards (Busy Lizards?) which is like a playgym and childminding club. Mum wants to show off her granddaughter to the other childminders!
I've just finished teaching my two boys again for the first time since having Evie. Blimey, I've forgotton what a handful they are. Taught seperately, they're great, they knuckle down and concentrate but together it's like two whirlwinds winding each other up. To be honest, I kind of let them get on with it a bit. I didn't let them go too far, but my thought was, hey, I'm getting paid £15 an hour to do this. It doesn't bother me.
Which is a very wrong thought to have when you are teaching the sproglets of today, but sometimes (today for example) when you're feeling off colour and they want to mess around, it's nicer to let them get on with it and console yourself that you're still getting paid whether they want to learn or not. I tried, but they weren't particularly playing ball. I don't care too much.
I like teaching, it's not just the money, although that is fantastic - I naturally love solving problems and working with people and making a difference. I like the challenges and finding inventive ways to overcome them.
But the money is pretty bloody good too.
And it's all being saved up for christmas - and that's £125 saved towards it already this year. Just from tutoring.
Now, if only I could finish and sell a book...
Elf x x x

Malcolm is just getting over the worst of a cold, and i'm just starting. I don't know where Evie is, but she's not much chance of escaping.
Talking of Evie,  her space hasn't been updated since she was born. in fact the last entry was 12th May, two days before she was born. But i'm a little hesitant to update it. You see, she's no longer a student human residing in mummys tummy called Blob and getting stroppy with scanners and wanting prawney crisps.
She's a whole different person to the one I created there. I feel like I've lost Blob and got a completely new baby instead. So i'm a little dubious about carrying it on and destroying the Blob persona. I don't particularly want to make yet  ANOTHER spaces page for the post-birth Evie because then I'll just be juggling spaces, and I don't do that, I only juggle oranges.
What do we think?
Elf xxx

That didn't last very long, but it's a start. She's still not sleeping through. I am zombified. And don't tell me that's not a word. Cause it is.
:p
Well, we finally have the internet again, lol shame, me and malcolm had just started communicating again! But it's all good :-)
Elf x x x

Oh joyous, joyous night!! After spending hours wailing and crying for constant feeding this evening, Evie Mae decided for forgo her 3am feed and slept from 1am straight through to 5.30am!!

Sleep! You wonderful, wonderful child!!

A slightly-less sleep deprived Elfinpunk x x x

Linda, Malcolms Aunt and Evie's Great-Aunt, is going to be playing The Weakest Link; to be shown in 8 or 9 weeks time. It's going to be hilarious, knowing Linda, so watch it!

Elf x x x

The annoying topical adverts!

While I was pregnant, adverts kept appearing on the TV that would get me frustatedly shouting 'NO – i'm PREGNANT!!' such as that friendly bacteria drink 'drink this and you won't feel like a balloon!”

“I WILL!!”

Or senokot – that one wound me up. You know that diarrhoea-stopping thing? 'Take a senekot and get on with your life!'

Do they realise how skewed your bowels go when you're pregnant?

“THEY WON'T WORK – I'M PREGNANT!!”

About five minutes ago (I am watching how clean is your house) I realised the annoying adverts have kept up with me. And they are still topical.

“Buy this foam mattress and you too can wake up feeling refreshed after a good nights sleep!”

“not with a sodding BABY!!”

Elf x x x

Four weeks on...

Evie Mae will be four weeks old tomorrow and i'm taking a moment out to look at what's changed in that time.

Evie's uncurled and grown longer, bigger and fatter. She fills her bodysuits now and is nearly the length of her moses basket. Her hair, which started life as dark brown, has lightened and grown. She has fine blonde hair on the left side of her head and light brown on the other side while dark brown hair wisps around the name of her neck. Oh my god, i have a multicoloured child.

As far as I go, in the last four weeks I can't tell that much has changed mentally or emotionally, I still feel exactly the same as I did before, it was rather like being ill for a long time and then slowly getting better – back to the same point you were at before.

Physically, yes, much has changed. I'm shrinking but look like i'm ballooning, it's all very wierd. My clothes are falling off me more each day but I look twenty stone. The weight has settled at eleven stone for the minute. I feel like I have had a bottom transplant (still) although it's not as bad as it was before. I discovered that a few of my stitches haven't quite fulfilled their job description (ie hold me skin together!!) which I presume is the reason I often feel sore and uncomfortable but not sure why I get leg aches too. Nerve stuff I suspect.

I feel a bit like I'm living in a fog and despite my best efforts, there's no structure or differention between night and day (except nighttime is dark) and the tiredness is constant.

I've got annoyed with Evie a couple of times and felt guilty about it. I love that little girl!! She's the most excrtutiatingly beautiful little thing I've ever come across, and I'm not one to go mushy and slushy really, but it's true, she is. She's got extraordinary dark blue eyes that fix on mine and gaze at me intently as if she knows exactly who I am and her tiny long eyelashes are exquisitely beautiful. I love lying back on the sofa cuddling her on my chest, she fits perfectly there and she's so pleasantly warm and she just curls up and sleeps soundly for hours, sometimes she curls her tiny twig-like fingers round one of my fingers and clutches it as if she's afraid I will go off and leave her.

Between me and Malcolm, hmm, i'm not sure what has changed and what hasn't. Things have changed. I'm a little nervous, waiting for it all to sort out and settle into what has changed and what hasn't. I miss a lot of things about Malcolm, and I miss a lot of things about Me-And-Malcolm but it's very hard to put my finger on what they are. I just tend to feel a bit sad and achey, that somethings gone away and I'm not sure what it is, but I know I loved it.

On a practical kind of note, we're getting on very well as parents as Malcolm is cautious and I am flippant; he can soothe Evie and I can challenge her; and even when we argue, we just stomp off in the same direction and annoy each other. Nothing untoward or potentially destructive has happenned; I don't think. See this is hard, I don't know what Malcolm thinks, it's not easy and natural to know anymore. Something huge and disasterous could have happenned between us, and I wouldn't have a clue, I can only speak for me now. And that's sad. That I haven't got a clue what's going on in my boyfriends mind.

And what do I do? Do I ask? Well, I do that, and I sound like I'm nagging. So not very much liking that.

Do I guess? Nope, if I guess wrong I would look extremely selfish.

Get possessive and scrutinise every inch of his life to get some insight into his feelings? HELL no. Absobloodylutely not. Nutcase alert!!!!

Wait? What, and let the void get bigger? And then he wonders why I don't seem interested in him? Blimey, that seems a bit risky, don't you think?

So essentially, four weeks on, the house is a bit fuller, night and day no longer exist as seperate entities, mentally I'm still exactly where I was, emotionally I'm all over the place and someone has stolen my bottom.

Elf x x x

i'm feeding my ba-a-a-by; and i'm doing it one handed while writing this with the other hand. Oh yes. I am getting used to this mummy lark.

Oh no, i'm not. I can feed Evie one handed, but I can't get through more sleepless nights! I will NEVER  get used to that.

Life gets back to normal next week. I am going to start teaching my two boys again and the ironing must be done. I have ironed already this evening, for a while, but it's hardly made an impact.

I must go have a bath. My episiotomy scar has split open partly and i need to keep it clean.

elf x x x

It's been a really heavenly day today, absolutely gorgeous weather although a shade too hot for my liking. We only went out once, to the mothercare in Wakefield as we'd found we could do with some extra things - a changing mat (instead of our bed), some trousers/skirts for evie as we have bought her t-shirts, but nothing to wear with them, and some more, bigger, bottles for the formula feeds.
We got Evie a gorgeous sunny yellow summer dress...
in pretty dresses
... and when we got home, I changed into my pink summer dress that I never got chance to take a photo of when I had a bump and we spent the rest of the day wandering in and out of the front door, sort of drifting around enjoying the sunshine and then the shade alternately.
Evie was having a bit of a growth spurt last night and wouldn't stop feeding most of the night, so when I got up this morning, I was still exhausted and went for a bath and kept nodding off in it - so I got out and collapsed onto the single bed upstairs and fell into a really deep sleep - so deep I didn't even hear my dad arrive, because the next thing I knew, I was being cajoled out of sleep by the sound of our grass being strimmed.
Apparently Malcolm was still asleep when he arrived too, lol.
Evie is changing so much every day, she now looks like a little girl to me rather than a baby - her eyelashes have grown and her cheeks have grown chubby and she has coral pink lips and smiles sometimes (although that is because she has wind) and I understand her little noises and expressions (and she really does pull funny ones) and her hair is soft and downy and we have even started playing games together - i tickle her nose with my hair and she either jumps or wrinkles her face up, she likes her feet being tickled and when we hold her up against us, she'll try her hardest to hold her head upright but as her muscles aren't yet strong enough, she just ends up with a madly bobbing head so I put my hand behind it to steady her and let her keep trying to hold her head up. She's such a determined little lady.
She can hold things to bring to her mouth, like her other hand or her new favourite - her bib. Everytime I look up at her, she's brought her bib to her face and is trying to eat it. She also likes covering her face with her bib.
She tried to eat a tissue earlier as I was wiping some milky dribble from her chin. She has absolutely gorgeous dark blue eyes that look really deep and catch the light like two deep pools of water. She'll sit and watch us for ages, just sitting there, gazing at us with this overawed look on her face. And then she'll suddenly get bored and try and gnaw on her hand for a bit.
She sometimes jumps and squeaks in her sleep, and it's hilarious when she does her 'snotty look' which is when she raises her eyebrows right up and tightens her lips together. She does that a lot in her sleep too.
On another good note, she's started breastfeeding again too - when she latches on (and she doesn't do it every time I try but it's more often than she used to) she'll drink for ages and fill herself up and then I feel really great and chuffed too, because I'd managed to feed and satisfy my baby. The bottle feeding doesn't seem to have done any harm, and she's fine however we want to feed her now. The government-issue books lied!!!
My stitches seem to be healing too, which I'm obviously pleased about. I have been able to miss some painkillers today and not be too uncomfortable because of it.
And last but not least, our very nice and lovely neighbours Mark and Julia have made a sausage pasta bake for us as we have been living off ham sandwiches and the occasional pasty since Evie's arrival. It was great to have a cooked meal again, although there is so much of it, it will last us for days! Still - how lovely and thoughtful is that?
Muchos Thankos!
I put all Evie's birth and first-few-days photo's in my album, and they just about all fit. Yay!
Love... Elf x x x

ps - oh, that thing that I mentioned the other day, that I said I would tell you if it was still bothering me, well, it's stopped bothering me. Yay good. I didn't like it, and I didn't really want to say what it was unless it was a real problem, so i'm glad it's all fine and straightened out again.

Elf x x x